Things I Learned from Zelda 64

— Who needs dry cleaning? You can wear the same set of cloths every day.

— Fairies are annoying, no matter what color they come in.

— That a tye-dye fairy might not be such a bad idea.

— You can walk for days on end, battle giant monsters and run around a huge world performing tedious tasks on a single night of fitful sleep.

— If you suddenly go into a seven-year slumber, don’t worry, your hair won’t budge an inch.

— And your tunic gets bigger.

— And somehow, you’ll wake up wearing white pants. Hmm.

— The Invisible Man started his own monastery and that’s who sings in the Temple of Time.

— Giant fairies can get away with wearing only vines, but the moment you try it…nooooo you get suspended…

— You can keep a chicken in your tunic and be completely unnoticed.

— Hylian guards need glasses.

— Little girls’ voices, when singing, can echo farther than humanly possible AND still retain perfect pitch.

— Be a boy scout: be prepared and carry hats in red, blue and green.

— Your horse is really, really, REALLY stupid. And I mean STUPID.

— Ask your horse to jump a ten foot gate? No problem. Ask the same horse to come here, and she runs into a tree. Go fig.

— In the middle of your quest, don’t forget to stop and adjust your tunic. Those things are terrible about riding up, and we mustn’t look bad for the monsters.

— Oh, and another thing about the big snooze…you can sleep through getting your ears pierced twice.

— Wanna be the volleyball champ of your school? Go practice beating back balls of life-sucking energy with only a bottle against a guy with really bad red hair and a receding hairline.

— Speaking of Gerudos, it is somehow possible for an entire race to thrive with a male born once every 100 years.

— One word: “When Cuccos Attack!” Wait…that’s more than one word.

— You don’t have to be a math whiz to beat this game.

— Queen Gohma is the perfect villain for arachnophobic math flunkies everywhere. (notice the division symbol on her eye)

— It’s entirely possible to have fire and ice for hair and not end up bald, burnt or hypothermic.

— The title of “hero” forbids you to chew out elfin children a tenth your size and forces you to tolerate an attitude from them.

— Money grows on trees. So go ahead, head-butt one; don’t worry, you won’t lose a single brain cell. The bigger the tree, the more money.

— The park keepers at the Redwood National Forest in California want to ban this game because so many little kids have tried the above technique.

— Iron boots don’t rust. At all.

— Wearing a tunic of scales automatically grants you the ability to breathe underwater.