The Secret World of Telemarketing

I have a new job. I'm a sales representative. I sell wonderful products to people who want them.

Well, that's my job description anyway.

In reality, most people call me a telemarketer. I'm what people think as "one of those people who call you during dinner and ruin my life by offering me discounts on things."

Seriously, what is wrong with people and phone etiquette now? Did your mother teach you to just hang up the phone on people who call you? All I can usually get out is "Hi this is Brynna calling on behalf of _____ (name withheld to protect the innocent)" and then they just hang up.

That's one thing I don't get. If you hear the name of a company that you have products in (yes, we do only call people who are part of the company and buys their products), then why are you hanging up the phone? What if I've called you to tell you that your account has been hacked into? Or better yet, what if I'm calling you to offer a crazy awesome discount on internet?

Yes, I sell internet. High speed internet for 14.95 a month that lasts a whole year. Not dial-up, but DSL. For that price. And people don't want it. Do you want to know why?

BECAUSE THEY ARE SO FREAKING OLD.

Oh my god, these people. Are. Old. So, so old. We're calling people that are always 70+ old. We call NURSING homes for crying out loud trying to sell these people internet for a machine they probably haven't even touched before in their life. 80% of the people we call don't even have computers.

My god.

A friend of mine at work said that all the old people sound like The Fly. AND THEY DO.

There should be a certain age where you just can't own a phone. You shouldn't be allowed. Because why do you have a phone and you can't even hear anything?

I had a woman one time who couldn't hear me, no matter how much I screamed into the phone (we aren't allowed to hang up until we say our courtesy close, and they need to at least know/hear what we've called for). She then declared me to call back on Saturday, because she has someone come over to answer the phone for her. I do wonder what she does the rest of the time. So now I have to set her up as a callback and I KNOW she doesn't have a computer.

So here's some rules of telemarketing. And I'm going to reveal an interesting secret about that magical "Do Not Call" list people seem to like to spit out.

Do Not Call is a sham. If you ask a company to put you on a do not call list, they'll gladly do so. But that doesn't mean you won't get called. If you have continuing business relations with a company (such as buying their products), then you can receive solicitation calls that may include new promotions. So that DNC? Doesn't work if you ask to be put on it from a company you do business with.

Hanging up. Don't do it. You're just asking to be called back. Every single call is dispositioned by a person. Every. Call. We have a long list of reasons someone doesn't want/need the product. Most of the options are pretty simple, but a few are magical. Since we sell internet, there are only two ways you're going to be guaranteed to be taken off the list. If you specifically say that you don't have a computer, or if you say you aren't interested.

And not only do you have to say you don't have a computer, we cannot specifically ask if you have one or not. We have to phrase it in a round-about way. Which leads to wonderful conversations like this:

"Do you have internet for your computer?"


"No, I don't have an internet."


"Oh? How do you use your computer?"


"I don't."


"You have a computer and don't use it?"


"No, I don't have one."

Yes, that is an actual conversation I had with someone. Another one:

"How do you use your computer?"


"No."


"No...I mean, how do you USE your computer?"


"I don't have one."

Hanging up sticks you back in the giant pool and you will be called again later that night. So just pick up the phone, deal with it, and say a reason you don't want something. It's easier on us and you.

A gripe about old people. They are the rudest most insufferable people on the phone. Every now and then you'll get a nice one, but most of them just get irritated at you. Most of it isn't their fault though. A computer dials phones for us. We call it The Dialer. Great name, huh?

Anyway, T.D. likes to dial numbers. A lot of them. And because of this, sometimes we aren't even patched into a call until the person on the other end has said hello at least two or three times. And since we don't hear them say hello, we say hello to get their attention. And then they yell at us. We can't help it. It happens even when T.D. is turned on slower speeds.

You also get old people who want to tell you their life story on the phone. I don't want to hear it. I make a ton of phone calls a day, some calls last 3 to 5 seconds, others last ten minutes. It all depends on the luck that T.D. has for the day.

So what happens when we get that rare young person? Well, they'll usually want it, unless they think they know it all and think they actually ARE getting those 30mbps from their cable company. Bad news Mr. Customer, cable companies share that speed with all the people in your area.

Our highest speed is 18.0 mbps. But you get all of that speed, you don't share it. Look at me trying to make a sales over a blog. Tell you what happens to these old people in the next post.